My last journal entry was in June... it's November now. And a LOT has happened since November. So much in fact, I was considering if I should even bother writing this entry. Well, gotta start somewhere.

Biggest thing that has happend: I'm in college. Classes started for me at the end of september, and I have been fucking busy as a result.

On a side note, I was able to finish my Wario cosplay in time for kumoricon. And since I was able to finish that, I was able to have a lot of fun.

That aside, a lot has been happening on an emotional and personal level. In early september, I was talking with one of my friends, who I had developed feelings for, via instant messenger. Well one thing lead to another, and I ended up telling her how I felt. I told her I loved her, and... she told me she loved me too. That, in my mind, was probably THE happiest day of my life. Three days later, she called it off. She was/is a senior in high school, and told me that this wasnt the best time for her to be in a relationship. I told her I understood, and that was that. But I felt cheated. In those three days, I never got to see her face, I never got to hear her voice, I never got to feel her warm embrace, I never got... to kiss her, to look into her eyes and tell her I loved her......

Not too long after that, I get a message on Facebook from a girl I knew as a long-distance friend of my ex. Turns out, she was in a relationship with my ex, and HAD been the entire three days we were together. Now, I knew my ex was bi-sexual, she told me the night we got together. Ignorance is fucking bliss. But, it wasn't too long after that, that their relationship ended. It's the fate of all long distance relationships, however I feel as though I had some part in the death of this relationship. By this time, I was convinced that I no longer had feelings for my ex. We were still friends, and we were still talking via IM. And one night, I asked her if she still loved me. She told me she did.

Weeks passed, and a little over two weeks ago, I suddenly became depressed. It took me a couple days, but I found out why I was depressed: my feelings for her had returned. That was saturday night, two weeks ago. I wanted to tell her how I felt as soon as I could, but she was volunteering at a place called Fright Town [link] that night with some friends. So I sent her a text message, told her to get online as soon as she could, because something had come up. Sunday morning came, and she got online. Once again, I told her how I felt, I gave her my heart... I shouldn't have. Turns out... after she was done at Fright Town the night before, one of her friends who was volunteering with her, and who she has had a thing for for a while now, asked her out. It didnt sink in untill after I signed off. The last time I had felt so much pain, was when I was told my grandpa had died. I was so fucked up. I was sobbing, I was hyperventalating, I was a mess. I called up one of my oldest friends, who ended up coming to my house and spending the day with me. It helped.

To further help with the healing process, I too volunteered at Fright Town, which was something I had been wanting to do for years. It also helped. It was the most fun I've had in god knows how long. I volunteered there three times, once on halloween. Actually, on Halloween, I made over 200 people scream. It was fun, and I have the bruises to prove it.

But now that Fright Town is over, there's nothing for me to take my mind off what's been happening. I've... changed, and I'm not sure if it's for better or worse. Now I'm either depressed, or numb. I may act like my old self, and I occasionally feel like my old self, but I'm not happy. I didn't know how unhappy I was untill after my ex broke up with me. All I want now, is to find love again. Nothing else really matters to me. I just want to find someone who can help me close this hole in my heart. I want to love again. I NEED to love again.

Someone may be in the same room as me, but I'm still lonely.